When I was fifteen, a girl tried to start a conversation with me. My pulse raced and my mouth went dry. I was so busy trying to think of a reply that I barely heard what she said. I eventually mumbled an excuse and left. These days I enjoy meeting new people, and I can still remember how hard that first moment felt.
Before the conversation
- Start somewhere familiar. Notice how you talk with people you trust. Take one habit, such as asking how someone got involved in an activity, into a situation that feels a little less familiar.
- Choose one small goal. Plan to greet one person, ask one question or stay for a short time. Give yourself a clear way to leave if you need a break.
During the conversation
- Listen for one detail. If you start rehearsing every word, bring your attention back to what the other person just said.
- Ask an open question. “What do you like about this place?” gives you something to follow up on. Share your own answer when it feels natural.
- Take a breath before answering. A short pause gives you time to think. You can also say, “Let me think about that for a second.”
After the conversation
- Question your first interpretation. When I started doing more public speaking, I got out of the habit of guessing what everyone thought of me. Try noticing what actually happened before deciding someone was bored or upset.
- Rehearse a small next step. Practice saying your opening question aloud. Imagine pausing or losing your place and then continuing. Pick a low-pressure place to try it again.
If fear of being watched or judged repeatedly keeps you from activities or relationships you want, a health professional can help you work out what is going on. The National Institute of Mental Health’s guide to social anxiety describes when to reach out.